Currently Listening Can't Stop Won't Stop By The Maine Girls Do What They Want see related

Um, What's This Thing For Again? Nananananananannanananana Batman!

Currently Listening Talk to La Bomb By Brazilian Girls see related

The Second Time Around (Perhaps More).

I keep staring at the phone. I keep expecting a response, reconcilliation, understanding...forgiveness...--no, I did nothing wrong. Yet there's no one else around to take this blame.

I can't satisfy any of you! I can't make any of you happy and I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I try so hard. I really do. I try to be who you want, who you dream about, who you think you need, but I fall short. I fail every single time. I fail at being pretty, eloquent, confident, glorious, beautiful...I'm rust. I'm too real. Too far from the better side of the specturm and sticks to talkingin fragments. I'm destructive...frustrating...
But, NONE OF YOU ARE WILLING TO STICK AROUND AND TRY AS HARD FOR ME AS I DID FOR YOU. No one tries to console me and understand my problems...but I'm always here for you when you need me...where are you when I need you?

I've tried so hard for all of you that my mind and heart are forever disconnected with confusion...with distrust for others...with...apprehension for anything. You all...you were just around long enough to get what you needed and then you runaway. Like I'm diseased or too confusing. If you LISTENED you'd see that I'm telling it LOUD AND CLEAR. You just don't want to understand and that makes you pitiful. Runaway. Go ahead, I'm used to it. Leave the mess in me and leave the pieces of my heart for me to clean up.

None of this is my fault, but when you run away from me and the blame, no one else is around to take it. But me. Don't worry though. Don't even pretend to. I can handle it. I'll take it on just like I took on your problem and helped you. I'm just contagious with blame. Just contagious with hope that one day someone will give a shit about me, the way I want them to.

Currently Listening Riot! By Paramore Born For This see related

More Than Fine

Currently Listening Cities By Anberlin "I feel helpless, sleeping at best, waiting for your return. Are you ever coming home?" see related

Disclaimer: I can't be held accountable for what I say here. I was emotionally unstable. Seriously.

There was something I could've said. Something I could've done as we hugged and how I loved how strong he was being for everyone else. I could've kissed him, hopefully tried to make him forget all about her. She doesn't give a shit. It was ME at his side fatefully and faithfull for 3 years. Yeah, I didn't talk to him for a few weeks and I don't don't even remember why I was mad. (I spilt my LAST cup of CRANBERRY juice! I'm a dysfunctional emotional catastrophy!.) (I was just trying to get some tape, dammit!!) It's was always Tim and me after Renea and Regina left. It just worked. He shot me down, I slowly moved on, not even realizing that I had felt that way to begin with. I wanted to hug longer. I wanted to make up for every senior I couldn't get to and just ignore the line forming behind me. I just wanted us to understand each other for a little while longer. But we both moved on. Why can't he see what others see? Losing him hurt more than anything. I feel so stupid crying over this. (I mean, I'm not right NOW. But I was). But, I feel as if the normality of the past few years has shattered. I feel unsure of how to go on. Unsure of who to confide and befriend. I tried so hard not to cry when  my dad picked me up. I prayed that he would just NOT TALK then he had to give me shit about being sad. Oh, so I can't feel now? He's been bugging the hell outta me, saying I should be nice to him. I wasn't crying over the seniors the whole time. I took that opportunity to vent about the stuff I should've cried about long ago. When I hugged Tim, I was so scared he was gonna pull me off like Nate did. Just yank me away and move on. I hate when those leaving my life just tug me off like I'm a leech or something. I don't know why Danielle was crying. But me, it was like, this is the last time I play this song, the last time I sit down here, the last time, the last time, the last...Then we'll all be adorn in our tacky blue tarp gowns, secretly loving them, and graduate. Then, not long from now, we'll dispurse to every curve of the world. We'll say we'll keep in touch, we promise, but we never know what lies around, how our memories will cloud, and how quickly we'll forget each other.

I don't want to be forgotten again. I don't want to be, "Oh, Brityni--wait, who the hell is that?" or "Oh, yeah. Brityni, with the funny spelling." It's shit how we just move on and don't give a damn about the lives we interweaved with each other. Those beautiful or ugly bonds we created. I don't know, I just wish there was someone out there who'll cry when I leave. Someone in line waiting to hug ME. I'd hold on as long as they wanted. I'd have all night. I'd just be happy that there was someone waiting for me. Because how I feel now, the people I know now, I know that I would be the "on-the-way-to-see-so-and-so" person. The quick stop, the touch-and-go. I'd be the "Oh, yeah. I know her too. Let me pat her back, Congrats!, and scurry off." I wouldn't be the first thought, the sought after,. I don't expect to have a line because no one really cares.

Who will be sad when I leave?

Hey hey hey look what's coming your way!