blackieandblondie's Xanga

Um, What's This Thing For Again? Nananananananannanananana Batman!

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 15:52:04 GMT

Wow...(@_@) it's been a LONG time [well, I don't know how long. Pfft.] If you want to read my stuff, I actually update my poem site: www.xanga.com/purpleapplepoet Add me! lol. And COMMENT if you don't mind. I'd like some feedback on those emo-esque poems [there are happy ones.................(+_+)] that I post. So...go there...don't stay here. I ain't here! I'm there....but wait...I'm here, there, everywhere, nowhere, ah, both and neither. hm hm. A thinker.

The Second Time Around (Perhaps More).

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 00:03:32 GMT

I keep staring at the phone. I keep expecting a response, reconcilliation, understanding...forgiveness...--no, I did nothing wrong. Yet there's no one else around to take this blame.

I can't satisfy any of you! I can't make any of you happy and I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I try so hard. I really do. I try to be who you want, who you dream about, who you think you need, but I fall short. I fail every single time. I fail at being pretty, eloquent, confident, glorious, beautiful...I'm rust. I'm too real. Too far from the better side of the specturm and sticks to talkingin fragments. I'm destructive...frustrating...
But, NONE OF YOU ARE WILLING TO STICK AROUND AND TRY AS HARD FOR ME AS I DID FOR YOU. No one tries to console me and understand my problems...but I'm always here for you when you need me...where are you when I need you?

I've tried so hard for all of you that my mind and heart are forever disconnected with confusion...with distrust for others...with...apprehension for anything. You all...you were just around long enough to get what you needed and then you runaway. Like I'm diseased or too confusing. If you LISTENED you'd see that I'm telling it LOUD AND CLEAR. You just don't want to understand and that makes you pitiful. Runaway. Go ahead, I'm used to it. Leave the mess in me and leave the pieces of my heart for me to clean up.

None of this is my fault, but when you run away from me and the blame, no one else is around to take it. But me. Don't worry though. Don't even pretend to. I can handle it. I'll take it on just like I took on your problem and helped you. I'm just contagious with blame. Just contagious with hope that one day someone will give a shit about me, the way I want them to.

More Than Fine

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 18:19:11 GMT

There's nothing wrong here. I just...said it all with the wrong voice. The voice of accusation. Contemplating how it would make you feel. Like...I could make you feel useless...just as useless as I felt then. When you shove me away. When you shut your eyes so not to see me. Not to recognize me washed in tears. Brought on by you. I couldn't see you through the blur. The person you had become. The poser, the fake, the forever changing. There's nothing wrong. Everything's fine. Just fine. Okay, More than okay. It's great. The daily lies we tell. Say it like it really is. It's shit. It sucks. I'm suffocating in all that is supposed to be fine. Not fine. Just okay. More than okay. More than fine.

Disclaimer: I can't be held accountable for what I say here. I was emotionally unstable. Seriously.

Thu, 24 May 2007 16:41:25 GMT

There was something I could've said. Something I could've done as we hugged and how I loved how strong he was being for everyone else. I could've kissed him, hopefully tried to make him forget all about her. She doesn't give a shit. It was ME at his side fatefully and faithfull for 3 years. Yeah, I didn't talk to him for a few weeks and I don't don't even remember why I was mad. (I spilt my LAST cup of CRANBERRY juice! I'm a dysfunctional emotional catastrophy!.) (I was just trying to get some tape, dammit!!) It's was always Tim and me after Renea and Regina left. It just worked. He shot me down, I slowly moved on, not even realizing that I had felt that way to begin with. I wanted to hug longer. I wanted to make up for every senior I couldn't get to and just ignore the line forming behind me. I just wanted us to understand each other for a little while longer. But we both moved on. Why can't he see what others see? Losing him hurt more than anything. I feel so stupid crying over this. (I mean, I'm not right NOW. But I was). But, I feel as if the normality of the past few years has shattered. I feel unsure of how to go on. Unsure of who to confide and befriend. I tried so hard not to cry when my dad picked me up. I prayed that he would just NOT TALK then he had to give me shit about being sad. Oh, so I can't feel now? He's been bugging the hell outta me, saying I should be nice to him. I wasn't crying over the seniors the whole time. I took that opportunity to vent about the stuff I should've cried about long ago. When I hugged Tim, I was so scared he was gonna pull me off like Nate did. Just yank me away and move on. I hate when those leaving my life just tug me off like I'm a leech or something. I don't know why Danielle was crying. But me, it was like, this is the last time I play this song, the last time I sit down here, the last time, the last time, the last...Then we'll all be adorn in our tacky blue tarp gowns, secretly loving them, and graduate. Then, not long from now, we'll dispurse to every curve of the world. We'll say we'll keep in touch, we promise, but we never know what lies around, how our memories will cloud, and how quickly we'll forget each other.

I don't want to be forgotten again. I don't want to be, "Oh, Brityni--wait, who the hell is that?" or "Oh, yeah. Brityni, with the funny spelling." It's shit how we just move on and don't give a damn about the lives we interweaved with each other. Those beautiful or ugly bonds we created. I don't know, I just wish there was someone out there who'll cry when I leave. Someone in line waiting to hug ME. I'd hold on as long as they wanted. I'd have all night. I'd just be happy that there was someone waiting for me. Because how I feel now, the people I know now, I know that I would be the "on-the-way-to-see-so-and-so" person. The quick stop, the touch-and-go. I'd be the "Oh, yeah. I know her too. Let me pat her back, Congrats!, and scurry off." I wouldn't be the first thought, the sought after,. I don't expect to have a line because no one really cares.

Who will be sad when I leave?

Hey hey hey look what's coming your way!

Tue, 01 May 2007 00:23:11 GMT

for my poemas, if anyone cares: www.xanga.com/purpleapplepoet but there are none there yet...

Mashed Potatoes Mashed Potatoes!

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 19:38:22 GMT

I AM.........

1st VICE PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!

I will relish in this moment forever! I should have a theme song playing wherever I go: Nelly's '#1' booming to ya ears! Heck yeah! I'm sue excited! Everyone! Join me in the beauty that is life! But don't cramp my style or get in my way; I'll kick you in the throat. Wahahahhahaha! I'm so happy! I ran for something...and actually got it! That's never happened before! I'm happy...Did I say that? Well, 50x over, happy happy happy happy. Elated, ecstatic, overwhelmed, beaming. Radiance! All you losers (except you Victoria) be burned by my ultra super duper amazingness! No need to get boastful. But I'm just excited. It'll die when I have to actually work.... WoRk? wtf! Work is alaways attached somewhere. Always in the FINE PRINT! Dang it! oh...woe is me. Wait! Re-track to above; words in beautiful colors!

I am awesomeness personified!

Love me!

Sometimes Words Just Aren't Good Enough

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 21:39:09 GMT

Got my letter jacket, they turned back on our lights, but we had to throw out most of our food. I'm bored as all get out and really just been...doing nothing.

I'm outta money, I went shopping! Thx tons Alyssa for putting up with me. I know I'm annoying. I

bought some new CDs. Other than that, I've done nothing. Well, it's not possible to do absolutely nothing, but I've come close.

I ident to make it seem longer. But oh lo! What mindless chatter I write! lol. Just filling in space...

I Don't Love People. I Love Cameros, Zeppelin, and French Fries. In That Order.

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 21:00:19 GMT

Xanga is dumb. jk...

Went shopping and realized how poor I really am. and have been coughin out poems like a freakin' machine. It's unnatural. lol. Had a fantasitmo time at courtwarming! Yay's! I need to put more photos up of me...hm...there's a bunch on Ringo. If anybody cares. (I doubt it.)

I think I'm having bigger issues than I'm letting myself know...y'know? Like you know something's wrong but you only know that's it's wrong a little bit...not to the extent that it really is...and I feel like I keep messing up with this same person over and over and hurting them and hurting myself. I'm tired of being hurt...I'm tired of sacrificing myself so others can be happy and get what they want...I haven't been happy. It's been FAKE. I've put on a smile, put out the happy atmosphere, but deep down it's useless. I'm never going to be satisfied with the way things are now. I keep thinking about him, telling myself to stop thinking about him, but then doing it more in spite of myself. I know for a fact he never thinks of me. Never looks back at those pictures and thinks of how wonderful everything felt then. It's me, him, and the other one. lol. The other one ranging from Fate to Disappointment...to...unsatisfaction...communication...what's a word for not communication? Uncommunication looks funny. Discommunication...anit-communication...malcommunication. We never talked and when it we did...it was meaningless shit. Everything is shit.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

We Hafta Take Our Clothes Off.

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 21:02:25 GMT

Well, I had these really awesome pictures of myself on my camera...right? Freaking AWESOME pictures...but the batteries were low....so that dumb camera (curse word, curse word) deleted ALL of my AWESOME pictures!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kinda unnecessary....Now I gotta be all creative all over again!!

There's a 7 mil dollar check on the floor!! It always messes up my day!

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 20:21:25 GMT

Ho hum. Today was fucking boring. I was glad to go to school, but once 5hr rolled around, the day went down hill, sucked major ass, and I wanted to choke it, strangle it, (not the same thing), then spit in it's face...then kick it in the throat...harsh! but desperately wanted. Needed maybe, I guess that's a sign that I need to vent..a lot...O life!!! Why do you hate me so!?!?! What is it I have done??? All I did was stomp on your face and call you a bitch, what's wrong with that?? Well, I prolly called you (more specifically) a two-faced, life robber,...stupid son of a bitch. How do ya like that? Them apples!